So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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