Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
