So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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