I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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