I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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