Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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