When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
