omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
