I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
