I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
