He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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