I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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