: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He better not be in your backpack
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
