He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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