He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
