My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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