I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
