Soap is not a condiment
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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