I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
