the liver wants what the liver wants
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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