dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
