watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
