So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
