You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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