I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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