Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
