drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
