he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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