Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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