ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
