mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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