dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
