I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
