haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
