I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
