my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
