We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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