No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
pop tarts are not kleenex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
