Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
