Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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