I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
