I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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