Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
