i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
