you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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