Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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