Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
even my farts smell like vagina
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
