How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
