I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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