My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
