btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Randomize
