wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
