ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You made out with two different species that night
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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