maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
