She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
