There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
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reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.