did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine