I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
