Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.